


two alchemists walk into a bar

by moonbelowsea



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Ed-level cursing, Fluff, Low-Stress, M/M, Mentions of alcohol, Not Actually Drunk, it depends on how you look at it - Freeform, it might be romantic in a way, this was written to make people smile
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-02
Updated: 2016-07-02
Packaged: 2018-07-19 14:34:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7365382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonbelowsea/pseuds/moonbelowsea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The punchline is, of course, that mayhem and property damage follow.</p><p>As they must, when one of the two is Fullmetal. Really, Roy doesn't know why he expected anything different.</p><p>It's what happens next that catches him by surprise.</p>
            </blockquote>





	two alchemists walk into a bar

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Xyriath](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xyriath/gifts).



> This started out as a birthday present for the ever wonderful Xyriath. Her birthday has long since passed, but I promised I'd try and finish this regardless. She did just manage one of the absolutely craziest deadlines I've ever seen, so... here it is: CONGRATULATIONS! You did the thing!
> 
> With many thanks to Admiral, who got me through a bad case of writer's block.

They had ended up in the middle of a barfight, because _of course_ they had.

Roy was not surprised. He'd suspected that going drinking with Edward would inevitably end in such a situation, which was why he'd made sure he wouldn't be readily recognizable before going out (casual clothes had mostly taken care of that, actually), and why he'd made very sure not to get _actually_ drunk, even as he pretended to get steadily more wasted. His acting skills were more than up for such a simple challenge, and this was a ruse he pulled off fairly regularly.

The same could not be said of Edward, although, much to Roy's amusement, he appeared to be trying to succeed at the very same ruse. It seemed that Edward had taken Roy's apparent drunkenness as a challenge – but instead of trying to "match" him he was trying to cheat... by doing the very same thing Roy was doing.

Of course, Roy was not only a better actor but more observant, which was why he could see perfectly well that the two of them, although acting as if they were roaring drunk, were actually merely tipsy. Granted, by now they were probably _very_ tipsy, but still.

Roy had allowed himself to relax a little too much at that knowledge, and the comforting presence of his team around him. He should have realized that even just being tipsy would be more than enough excuse for Edward to start a fight that somehow took over the whole bar.

To make matters worse, the boy had had enough sense to wait until Riza had left the premises to return to her own home, which meant that there had been no one within the bar capable of promptly restoring order (and punishing the participants).

And that was why they are now walking along some deserted street, with neither food nor drink and heads clear from the cold and the adrenaline, instead of still inside the cozy, warm bar, tipsy and getting steadily tipsier.

They'd gotten separated from Roy's team in the confusion, but he isn't worried: they could take care of themselves; and as for Roy himself, he’s far from helpless, especially with the gloves hidden in his pockets, and so is his sole companion – the very same one responsible for starting the bar-wide ruckus and then winning against all comers very nearly single-handedly.

Funnily enough, they're both still pretending to be drunk.

"...An' if you weren't such a posh-lookin' bastard, they woudn't hafta punch us," Edward is grumbling, "so it really is all your fault we got in that fight, that one wasn't on me..."

And Roy is trying to defend himself, but it's hard to summon up the feeling of offense when he wants to laugh so badly (and, okay, maybe Roy is still kind of tipsy).

"...and what right do they have to say you're so hot anyway," is Edward _growling_? "so what if you're hot, that's not a good reason to hit on you! Bunch'a jerks..."

"Edward! Are you saying you got us all kicked out of a perfectly good bar in order to defend my honor?" oh, look, Roy's found his tongue. "Should I be flattered or annoyed?"

Edward jumps as though he's forgotten Roy is listening. "What," he yelps, and his face is -- Roy damns the terrible lighting on the street. Is Edward _blushing_? "What, no, you stupid bastard, I was – I just didn't want – you – you have enough people on your bed already! I was, I was cockblocking you 'cuz your ego doesn't need the boost of having random idiots trying to fall into your bed!"

"...Doesn't telling me all about it defeat the purpose of keeping my ego humble, though?"

Edward sputters. Hmm. Maybe he's also still tipsier than Roy had believed?

"Shut up, bastard!" Edward proceeds to pretend to stumble into Roy, shoving him a little -- and Roy is pretending to be drunk still, so he goes with the movement, lets the shove move him and trip him up and is kind enough to cushion Edward as they both fall into the ground, tangled into each other.

"Shit," says Edward, blinking at Roy, "you really are _drunk_ , aren't you?"

And then, much to Roy's surprise, instead of getting up, Edward merely rearranges himself so that he's comfortably sitting on Roy's lap, rather than halfway sprawled on top of him.

 _Definitely still tipsy_ , is Roy's diagnosis, even as he allows his own hands to rest on Edward's waist, lowers his voice to a purr as he teases, "My, my, were you jealous, Edward?"

A huff. "You _wish_ , bastard."

"A little," Roy finds himself saying, voice wry.

What on earth is he doing, he wonders wildly. Edward seems to agree -- he's staring at Roy, eyes wide. Roy can see the whites of those eyes in the moonlight.

"It gets tiresome, having a new person in my bed so often," he continues, and thankfully his voice is steady and casual. "But I'd only have a steady relationship with somebody I trust wholeheartedly, and my teammates happen to be off-limits."

"And you trust me?" Edward's voice sounds a little rough.

"You're a trustworthy person, Edward," he answers. "It's not in your nature to betray trust placed on you, even – maybe especially – this kind of trust." And it's hard to read expressions in this darkness, but Roy can feel Edward's body, can feel a change in the air, and his heart is beating strangely hard as he slides up a hand to tug at one of those golden golden locks of hair and says, "and you've very attractive. Anybody would be lucky to have you in their bed."

One of Edward's hand is grabbing Roy's shirt, and he has a moment to wonder if he's about to get punched, just before there's another hand at the back of his neck -- and then there's a mouth on his, too hard and too needy and not slotting their lips or faces correctly, and it's so very obvious Edward has never participated in any lover's kiss before.

And Roy knows he should pull away, for so very many reasons – Edward is still tipsy, Edward is too young for him, Edward has been heading into a happy relationship with Miss Rockbell since the two of them got hit by hormones – but he doesn't. He doesn't, he pulls Edward's body a little closer instead and starts showing him how to kiss, as gentle and patient as he's capable of being, with Edward's hard, beautiful body pressed up so close against his and Edward's full, delicious lips on his own.

Edward tries to resist some of Roy's lessons – seems he likes a little harshness, enjoys some bite to his kissing – but Roy is determined to enjoy this, and it's easy for him to take control.

Soon they're kissing with a finesse Roy deems acceptable. And besides, he might be a little eager to taste the inside of Edward's mouth.

So he coaxes those plush lips open with his own, and then he's trying not to moan as Edward squeaks in surprise, because his tongue is in Edward's mouth, and it's _wondrous_.

Their kiss tastes a little of the beer Edward had been drinking (and surprisingly discreetly tipping into a potted plant), and a little of Roy's whiskey, and a lot of _them_ , and Edward tastes intoxicating, a new and electric taste on Roy's tongue that he wants to sip at until he's utterly drunk on it, until it's etched into his memory, until it's the only taste he can remember.

That's why, when Edward tries to rally, tries to fight Roy's tongue back, he doesn't allow it. Roy is determined that since he's the first to kiss these lips then he should claim them thoroughly, and so he keeps control of the kiss until Edward has surrendered to him and he's free to explore at his leisure.

Roy kisses the breath from Edward's lips until the young man in his lap is moaning desperately, high in his throat; until there's a fine tremble in the fingers at Roy's neck; until Roy is lightheaded on the taste of _Edward_.

Only then does he release Edward's mouth, allowing him to duck his head and pant for air, taking desperate puffs of breath against the skin of Roy's throat.

Roy embraces him, soothes him with firm strokes on his back, and wonders if this is what temporary insanity feels like.

He must be brave, he reminds himself, in this if in nothing else. Edward deserves this much from him.

So he waits for Edward to get his breath mostly back and then takes his hands away, steels himself and apologizes.

Edward is staring at him again. "What the fuck," he rasps out.

"I apologize," Roy repeats stiffly, and he can feel Edward's hands tighten around his throat even as that face flinches back, so he continues, "it was... ill considered of me, to kiss you when you're drunk. I assure you I have no intentions of interfering in your relationship with Miss Rockbell –"

"What. The. Fuck," Edward interrupts, incredulous and irritated and, yes, getting angry. " _I_ kissed you _first_ , you good-for-nothing bastard, and it was _my_ fucking choice to make, and what the _hell_ does Winry have to do with _anything_?"

Roy wishes the light here were better. He's more than capable of navigating a conversation by voice tone alone, and has, several times, but he wishes he could see Edward's face nonetheless.

"You and Miss Rockbell have been dancing around each other for a while, now," he says carefully. Edward makes a disbelieving noise and takes a breath, but Roy is already speaking again. "Surely you have realized. I believed you had an understanding with her. You always seemed – and, well, people in the country marry young..."

" _Marry?_ " bursts out of Edward's mouth. "The _fuck_ , bastard?! I'm – I haven't – look here, Winry's pretty much my _sister_! If she's gonna marry one of us, it's gonna be Al! But no way is it gonna happen _now_ , when we've only just gotten our lives back! We haven't ever – we haven't even – look, there's a bunch'a things we still gotta do because we were always too busy before, we're not gonna settle down as soon as we can – we're gonna take as long as we _want to_!" Apparently done with his outburst, Edward sits back, panting, and glares at him. Roy can _feel_ the glare, he has been its recipient often enough before.

"...I believed you and Miss Rockbell were merely waiting for an appropriate moment," Roy admits, even as things start rearranging themselves, lighting quick, in his head.

He still believes Miss Rockbell may feel something non-platonic for Edward -- he knows her less well, but is more confident in his ability to read her, particularly about matters such as these -- but it does not seem any such feelings she may harbor are returned.

Alphonse seems to "return" such feelings instead, and might have for some time, which would have naturally established Miss Rockbell as very much off-limits, as far as Edward is concerned.

Edward does not intend to settle down anytime soon. Roy can understand that -- Edward and his brother spent so much time focused on their duties and responsibilities and goals, to the exclusion of all else, and failed to experience so many events others their age would be going through... but.

But why, then, did he kiss Roy?

"Well we weren't!" Edward is snapping, embarrassment in his voice. "And anyway that'd be none of your business! Why would I have kissed _you_ if I were gonna be with _her_ anyway?"

The answer, reflects Roy, likely lies within the very fact that Edward has no plans to settle down, and further, has never been kissed. Edward is a creature of science. Of course he'd go for a test run or a few before even starting to consider a definitive relationship.

And moreover, Edward has no few trust issues. Roy, then, must have seemed like a perfect first candidate. Roy, who knows Edward so well, and the secrets he guards. Roy, who has painstakingly won some of Edward's hard earned trust and held it through years. Roy, with his reputation as a connoisseur of romance. Roy, with his reputation for constantly bedding others...

"I don't know," Roy answers lightly, locking away the curious feeling of sickness in the pit of his stomach. "Maybe you'd been momentarily overwhelmed by my great many charms?"

Edward hits him. Of course.

"Idiot," he says, over Roy's exaggerated groan of pain, and it almost sounds warm, _fond_ – but Roy must not fool himself. "Why'd you kiss back then?"

And Roy is suddenly faced with a decision.

He should think it through, but his mouth is already moving.

"Well, this does seem like a fairly rewarding course of action to take," he says, and he can hear the smirk in his own voice, which is a good thing, a very good thing, because he has no idea what he's doing and like _hell_ he'll let it show.

"Rewarding, huh?" Edward mutters, almost as if to himself. "I'll take it." And then he smiles, that dangerous smile Roy knows he wears so often during all kinds of battle, and continues louder, "I'm down for trying this thing if you are too. Better be ready to get me a _big_ breakfast in the morning, bastard."

A calmer part of Roy, used to constantly analyzing everything, no matter the situation, notices that, beneath the aggressiveness and bravado, Edward sounds very nearly nervous. And why wouldn't he be? From a first kiss to propositioning someone, that's a big step. But then, Edward has already shown he has little idea of how such things work, and, as usual for him, he wants to learn as quickly as he possibly can.

The rest of Roy is in turbulence. He's weighing responses in his mind as fast as he ever has, and yet it feels as though his very thoughts are moving through molasses.

He owes Edward, something he decided on the day he chose to induct a young child into the military, and reaffirmed to himself every time said child got himself into yet more trouble.

He owes Edward respect, and protection, and – he can teach this. He's knowledgeable and talented in this area, he'll be a good teacher. He'll be providing something Edward seems to need.

Relationships don't have to last to be a good thing, Roy thinks, and firmly ignores the ridiculous squeeze in his chest at the thought.

Most relationships are learning experiences of some kind or another. Surely he can ensure this particular relationship will be enjoyable, will be positive, will be something they both look back on with fondness in the future.

And if he is unable to do that, well, Edward has always acted somewhat hostile towards him, and that has never stopped them from working together well. Surely that much, at least, will not change.

And there is one last thing to consider: refusing Edward now would be the safe way out... and the cowardly thing to do.

And if there's one thing Roy refuses to do in front of Edward, it's to act weak.

It's that knowledge that prompts him to frame Edward's face in his hands, to look into his eyes despite the dark, and agree to this unspoken contract – to say: "Well, I suppose I had better welcome you into my home, then."

Roy can feel Edward's smile lose its sharpness, hear it in his voice as he replies, "Hope you have a full kitchen, bastard. And you'd better know how to cook."

And there it is: signed and sealed and locked away into Roy's mind.

This isn't meant to last, Roy tells himself.

That does nothing to stop the bloom of joy spreading across his chest.

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be the first scene in a story series, and also to prove to myself I am indeed not completely incapable of writing.
> 
> Mainly, it's supposed to make any readers enjoy the reading and smile at the end. I hope it did its job.


End file.
